Table Manners Review

Why: So far we have covered 11 table manners, so I thought it was time for a review.  This was a chance to practice all the manners together and have some accountability.

Attention Getter:  I set a police badge (that I got at a local party supply store) and a buzzer (don't ask; I've had it for years) on dad's plate.  The kids hovered around dad's plate before dinner. I love when I pique their interest.

The supplies

When we were all seated, I introduced the "Politeness Police".  Now the purpose of the "Politeness Police" was to monitor the family's manners in a playful way.   The designated Police would wear the badge and buzz the buzzer when he caught someone using bad  manners.

Some nights we decided that the "Politeness Police" could catch people using good manners.  Although this method is way more warm and fuzzy, our family voted to stick with the old school method (since when does a cop pull you over for going the speed limit afterall?) You can take whichever approach you want with your family.

Manner: We had to set some ground rules right up front: Moms and dads can lovingly point out manner mistakes any day, any time.  That is our job and our responsibility.   But kids can only point out manner mistakes if they are designated as the "Politeness Police" by a parent because it is actually bad manners to point out someone else's bad manners. 

Practice: Dad was the first Police to model how it was to be done.  He buzzed away and corrected the children.  I felt like it was a great teaching time because often we don't even know when we are using bad manners.  My son took great pride in not getting buzzed, while my 4 year old daughter purposely tried to screw up so she could get caught (let's just say I'm nervous for her teenage years.) Over the week each kid got to take a turn as the "Politeness Police".  Eyes were alert. Revenge was sought.  No mercy was shown (the baby even got buzzed for using his fingers.)

The evidence

But in the end, we all were more aware of our manners.

#10 When to Start Eating

Manner #10:  Can I Eat Already?

We have discussed 9 table manners so far and we have yet to have a bite of dinner.  Well, tonight is the night. It's time to finally eat!

Attention Getter: I told my kids this scarring story from my childhood:  My family was new in town and my sister and I were invited to our neighbor's birthday party.  We were just little tikes- barely in school. (Now I was already a little on edge because we didn't know anyone and our neighbor seemed rich and we seemed poor in my young mind.  Plus I was mortified by the tacky wrapping job on the plastic purse we had gotten Lisa for her present.)   The next memory I have is being served a piece of cake and then--taking a bite.

Now this is where the trauma set in: Suddenly an older girl at the party scolded us,  "UMMmm-BRRrrr! (I didn't know what that meant then and I still don't know now, but it wasn't good.) You ate before the birthday girl!"  There were stares and crusty looks from the other guests and an awkward silence.  My sister and I had no idea what the big deal was; we just wanted to disappear.  We both remember it as the most embarrassing and humiliating moment of our lives up to that point.  This is where I told the kids that tonight we were going to talk about when it is okay to take a bite.


Why:  I didn't want my kids to be embarrassed like I was.  Knowing what to do and when to eat can bring confidence in potentially awkward situations: birthday parties, dates, business dinners, in-laws, friend's house, etc.  Also, waiting to eat until the appropriate time delays gratification (there it is again!) and signals that people are more important than food and that dinner is more about relationships and community than eating. As we discussed this, my son blurted out, "I know! We are learning patience!"

Manner: This manner has some different levels and it can also vary according to the situation.  Since there are some conflicting ideas out there, use your best judgment and take baby steps if you need to.

Family Dinner:  At family dinner the bare minimum is to wait until after the prayer is said to begin eating.  (This would be considered a victory at my house.) The next level is to at least wait until all the food has been passed all the way around the table before you start eating.  This insures that no one gets forgotten and you don't become the food dam.  And if you want to take it to the highest level, it is custom to wait for mom to take the first bite (again this means that mom needs to be seated at the table.)

Guest's Home: If you are the guest in someone else's home, watch for the hostess to take the first bite, then you are good to go. (This would have been nice to know 30+ years ago!)
 
Restaurant:  At a sit down restaurant wait until everyone is served before you begin eating.  The exception is if someone's plate is significantly delayed, and the waiter will let you know if that has happened.  I have heard people say if it is hot you can go ahead and eat, but I did not read that exception anywhere.  Since we aren't sure, the safest and most polite thing to do is wait for everyone to be served.  If it is a large group, you just need to wait for those people around you to be served before you eat.  Note this rule applies to every course served.

If you are the one holding up the show because you haven't been served your plate, invite others to go ahead and eat without you. This puts everyone at ease and all will be grateful.

Practice: To practice this manner at home, we decided that whoever set the table got to pick who was going to be the hostess (they always picked themselves) for the night and they also picked who was the "guest".  They wrote "hostess" on a post-it note to designate their role and we had to follow their lead.  They loved getting to eat first and have the control.  This gave the family practice serving the guest first and waiting for the hostess to eat.  I considered this activity a success (despite the fact that tears were shed three different times over the week) because I heard my son whisper to his cousins last night at our extended family dinner, "Hey guys, we can't eat until grandma eats."

Hostess Labels

Mom Tip:  Eat early enough when the kids aren't starving so they can control their hunger and their manners.  Or if dinner must be delayed, put out some healthy pre-dinner munchies like veggies and dip or fresh fruit.  If they "have to eat" at least they are filling up on something healthy and they won't be ravished by the time they get to the table.  This will give them the strength to wait to eat.

#8: Passing Food

Manner #8:  More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About Passing Food Around the Table

Attention Getter: I wrote arrows on post-it notes.  I put them on the kids' plates pointing to the right.   When the kids came to dinner they began whispering to each other, "Why do we have arrows on our plates?"  "Dad! What is going on?" "Maybe mom wants us to twist things around?" "Maybe mom..." (The buzz around the table before dinner was music to a teaching mom's ears.)

When we sat down, I asked the kids which way the arrows were pointing (now that is a difficult question for kids' my age, but they got it right.) Then I stated the arrows were there to show them which way to pass the food-to the right- and tonight we were going to learn about passing food. (Remember it is important to state the objective. It's Teaching 101).

Manner: 1. Food is passed to the right initially- counterclockwise.  However, the person starting the food may ask the person to her left if he would like some before passing it on to the right.
2. Hold the serving dish for the person next to you while she serves herself (this is a lesson in giving and receiving- another blog; another day) or set it down on the table if necessary.
3. Keep the food moving.  Do not be that person at the table that is a food dam.  Everything stops at your plate. (We know who you are; wish you knew.)
4. If you need a food item to be passed to you (after the initial pass), find who is closest to it, address the person BY NAME and then ask him to pass the food item. You may pass it the shortest route.  You don't have to go right all the way around the table.
5. Always pass the pepper and salt together.  Even if the person only asked for the salt- send the pepper too. After all, they are married and they stick together. (Yes, we really did dress up our salt-n-pepper shakers. And later I found my 4 year old singing "Hear Comes the Bride" as she moved the salt closer to the pepper.)

Mr. and Mrs.

Why:  The why on #1 is important to explain to those stubborn leftys.  When you pass to the right, it is easier for the person receiving the food  to serve himself because his dominant hand (if right handed) is unobstructed or at a better angle to serve himself.  If you pass to the left, you may constrict the right hand or the serving dish would be too close and it would be difficult to serve.  Try it and see what I am talking about.

#4: When you say a person's name to pass; it gets her attention.  Otherwise you are just calling a request out to a table full of preoccupied people and no one is listening nor are they aware of what food is in front of them.

These "rules" just help the table run smoother (the bigger the family, the more these manners matter.) And in the end everyone enjoys dinner more, and there is less time spent trying to get food on your plate and more time conversing with family.

Practice:  I let the kids pretend before dinner while I was making last minute preparations.  I gave them a serving bowl and spoon (without any food in it) and they practiced passing and serving themselves food.  This was safer than real, hot, heavy dishes for my kids (right now mom and dad still do a lot of the passing and serving.) 

Thoughts:  I have learned much about myself and my family from this manner.  I've learned that we are a stubborn and prideful folk. We like to teach, but we don't always like to be taught.

See, we have passed to the left all of our lives and up until last week we even passed to the left at our monthly Sunday dinner.  When I told my family that I learned through my readings that it is proper etiquette to pass to the right, I was surprised by their reaction.  "Wow! Thanks, Tiffany.  We just learned something new" would have been a nice response.  Instead it was, "Who says?" "Are you going to make us do that now?" I think I even got called a few names.  (To be honest, I don't really care which way you pass it as long as we are all going the same direction, but because I am stubborn too, I didn't let it go. I explained WHY you pass to the right, then called them names back.)  My dad, being a reasonable man, learned from the explanation and opted to go to the right--at that dinner.  We will see how next month's Sunday dinner goes. 

And since likes attract, I married a stubborn man too.  His family passed to the left growing up as well.  The other night, in the most delicate way he could muster, he said something like, "Now Tiffany, I am not saying you are wrong,  but have you checked multiple sources on this pass to the right thing?  Everyone I know passes to the left- how can we all be wrong? (My kids have no prayer of being humble).

So for all you left passers out there, I did check multiple sources.  (Emily Post even agrees with me.)

#7: Who's Served First?

Manner #7: Who Gets Served First at the Dinner Table?

Attention Getter: We recently had a birthday dinner for my brother at my mom's house.  There were 10+ people around the table.  Before we started, I asked the question, "Who gets served first?" Responses ranged from the head of the table, to the hostess, to the oldest, to the youngest---all were wrong.

Manner:  The correct answer is that the guest of honor gets served first (which would be my brother in this case because it was his birthday dinner.  And if there were any doubt it was his birthday, the not-so-mini whole roast on his plate, made by my mother, just for him, gave it away.)  The general rule is that women are served before men, older people before younger people, and guests before family members.  And when I say serve, I mean they are encouraged to serve themselves.  If there is no guest, and it is just your family,  it is respectful to have mom served first. (This would infer that she is actually seated at the table, not running around adding last minute touches to the meal.)  Although this may seem laughable, it is the most respectful thing to do because she is likely the oldest woman at the table.  Once the "guest"/mom serves herself, she passes the food to her right (next week's post/my family of origin is struggling to accept this) and the rest of the food starts going around the table.

Why?  As with all manners, it is a matter of respect and courtesy to let the guests go first and if there are no guests,  I think it is a great way to show appreciation to mom.  This sends the message to our kids that we respect ourselves and that no matter how hungry they are, they can learn to wait (another chance to practice delayed gratification!) for mom to be seated.  My mom was always the last one to sit down and the last one to eat.  This did her no favors.  Yes, she was selfless, but I just saw her as a robot or a superwoman, I didn't see her as a person who might be hungry too.

Practice:  I made up situation cards where I read a different dinner scenario and the kids had to figure out who would be served first. I threw in irrelevant information (like a good ol' math story problem) just to make them think.  My kids ended up wanting to make situation cards themselves to try to stump the family.

some of the situation cards

Follow-Up: Invite different families, friends,and/or relatives to dinner. Let your kids put their knew knowledge into practice.

#6: Party Buffet

Manner #6: Six Manners to Remember for the Party Buffet

Christmas season is here and that also means Christmas parties. We have at least a few to go to that will involve buffet style-serve yourself- food. I thought we needed to go over a few buffet manners before we hit the parties.
Manner: Here are some manners we went over for a buffet:

1. Don't double dip. (And biting one end of the chip and turning it around and dipping the other end counts as double dipping. At your own table with your own family that is one thing, but not in a party setting.) Spoon some dip onto your plate.

2. Don't pile your plate sky high. Be aware of portion size and take modest amounts. (We are at a party people, not at Chuck-o-Rama). And once everyone has made it through the buffet line, you can always go back for more.

3. Don't hog certain foods. Let everyone have a chance to taste all the foods. For example, don't eat most of the shrimp in the shrimp cocktail or campout at your favorite dip so it makes it difficult for others to get in there.

4. Don't complain about the food. Just pass it on by if you don't like something.

5. Use the serving utensils provided (not your fingers) and always put them back on the dishes or platters.

6. Make sure to say thank you to the hostess before you leave.

Practice: We went to Pizza Pie Cafe- a pizza/pasta/salad buffet (I am in a non-cooking seasonal funk. This was the third dinner out of the week. We practiced the no double dipping rule with chips and queso earlier in the week.) But it turned out to be the perfect place to teach buffet manners. We went at a non-peak hour so I could take plenty of time with my kids through the line and teach them the tips above as we went along. My favorite moment of the night was when my son and I got to the pasta service area. We were supposed to tell the worker what pasta we wanted. Instead my son reached under the sneeze guard (there was about a 2 inch gap) to pick up a noodle with his fingers. "This one!" It gave me a chance to teach him about boundaries and germs. I also walked my daughter through the salad bar. We got to practice using the serving utensils and not piling our plate too full. She started nibbling on her veggies as we went through, (I am guilty of this. My theory was if I eat as I go it frees up plate space for the food at the end of the buffet, right?) so I was able to teach her about delaying gratification until you are seated at the table. It also feels less germy and less white trashish when you wait to eat until you are seated.Follow-Up: We have a family Christmas party next week. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully these tips will help you at your family, church, neighborhood or work Christmas party. Tis' the season!

#5: Proper Posture

Manner #5: Proper Posture at the Dinner Table

Attention Getter: The kids came to the table and found a letter (the alphabet kind, not the Dear kids kind) on their plate. I had written each letter of the word 'posture' on a different sticky note. The goal was to have them work together to unscramble the word. I had to give a few clues like "it has to do with your back", but my oldest one figured it out. Then she sounded it out while my younger ones found the letters to match. Once we spelled 'posture' we discussed what the word meant in general. Then we applied it to the table. (My kids channeled Vanna in this picture.)
Manner: Here is what we learned: You should sit about 3-5 inches from the table. I had the kids estimate what 3-5 inches looked like. We actually got out a ruler and decided it is about a hands width away. This comparison gave them a way to check themselves in any dining situation. Also, sit up straight and don't use the back of the chair. Legs should not be crossed and if possible feet should be flat on the floor. If you need to lean, bend at the waist. Bring your food to your mouth, not your mouth to the food. (I caught my daughter with her mouth on the edge of the plate just shoveling the scrambled eggs (it was that kind of day) into her mouth. She bypassed any air.)

Why: Good posture diminishes mess (In theory that is- I am daily baffled my how much food still makes it on the floor and the seat of the chair where a bum was sitting- the picture does not do the mess justice.)Correct posture aids in digestion. And it just looks less neanderthal to sit up straight rather than to bend down over your plate. If your feet are flat on the floor, you won't kick your neighbor (and we all could use one less sibling fight at dinner).

Practice: We actually sat too far back and too close and tried eating so the kids could see the difficulties. Each night I had them check their distance from the table with their hand just so they could get used to it.

Follow-Up: Dad was not there the night we initially talked about posture. So I had the kids act as the parents and teach dad on another night later in the week. They all shared something they knew about posture. My daughter busted out the ruler and my son made sure dad's back was not touching the back of the chair. They did a great job teaching dad (despite the fact that dad was a difficult student).