#7: Who's Served First?

Manner #7: Who Gets Served First at the Dinner Table?

Attention Getter: We recently had a birthday dinner for my brother at my mom's house.  There were 10+ people around the table.  Before we started, I asked the question, "Who gets served first?" Responses ranged from the head of the table, to the hostess, to the oldest, to the youngest---all were wrong.

Manner:  The correct answer is that the guest of honor gets served first (which would be my brother in this case because it was his birthday dinner.  And if there were any doubt it was his birthday, the not-so-mini whole roast on his plate, made by my mother, just for him, gave it away.)  The general rule is that women are served before men, older people before younger people, and guests before family members.  And when I say serve, I mean they are encouraged to serve themselves.  If there is no guest, and it is just your family,  it is respectful to have mom served first. (This would infer that she is actually seated at the table, not running around adding last minute touches to the meal.)  Although this may seem laughable, it is the most respectful thing to do because she is likely the oldest woman at the table.  Once the "guest"/mom serves herself, she passes the food to her right (next week's post/my family of origin is struggling to accept this) and the rest of the food starts going around the table.

Why?  As with all manners, it is a matter of respect and courtesy to let the guests go first and if there are no guests,  I think it is a great way to show appreciation to mom.  This sends the message to our kids that we respect ourselves and that no matter how hungry they are, they can learn to wait (another chance to practice delayed gratification!) for mom to be seated.  My mom was always the last one to sit down and the last one to eat.  This did her no favors.  Yes, she was selfless, but I just saw her as a robot or a superwoman, I didn't see her as a person who might be hungry too.

Practice:  I made up situation cards where I read a different dinner scenario and the kids had to figure out who would be served first. I threw in irrelevant information (like a good ol' math story problem) just to make them think.  My kids ended up wanting to make situation cards themselves to try to stump the family.

some of the situation cards

Follow-Up: Invite different families, friends,and/or relatives to dinner. Let your kids put their knew knowledge into practice.

Thank You Notes

I am going to venture away from table manners this week and address another matter of civility-the written thank you note. With phones, email, Facebook, and texts so available and so easy, hand written notes are becoming an endangered manner unless we pass on the expectation.

Background: For the last few years, we have spent one or two nights after Christmas writing thank you notes for our Christmas gifts. We don't send them to everyone, but at the bare minimum grandparents and out-of-town givers get a thank you note (since they didn't see you open it and there is always the question if you even got it in the mail). And of course Santa gets one (It is the principle here- If you can take the time to write him a letter of what you want, then you better take the time to say thanks when he brings it to you). Depending on the age of your children, they could also send notes to cousins, aunts, friends, teachers, etc.

Attention Getter: We tossed a little bean bag around the table and when you caught it you said something that you got for Christmas. Sometimes I labeled the round like "What Santa gave you" or "What Grandma P gave you" etc. (You know you are spoiled when you have multiple rounds.) This facilitated the note writing later because it was fresh in their mind.

Then I told them we were going to write thank you notes for the gifts we received.

(Now think outside the box here. A thank you note doesn't have to be a note card in an envelope. Let your kids express themselves however they want- just supply the materials: markers (I know I am not the only sucker for a sharp sharpie), crayons, computer paper, lined paper, note cards, stamps, scrapbook paper, etc.)

Why: You know all the surface reasons, but it is interesting to consider that gratitude must be cultivated and developed. It is a learned response and writing thank you notes is great practice for our kids in expressing and feeling gratitude. Plus it will make grandmas' day.

I have kids of 3 different ability levels so their thank you notes were all different.

Toddler/Preschooler: I had my daughter draw a picture for grandma. Then she dictated to me what she wanted to say and I wrote it on the paper. She signed her name. You could also write at the bottom of the page "Thank you for the ___________" and your child writes in the blank.


Grade Schooler: My son is in kindergarten and he can write all his letters and although he can sound-spell pretty well he prefers me to spell out every word. (I don't have the patience for this) So we created a word bank that he could reference as he wrote. We brainstormed words that we might use in their thank you notes. My older daughter referenced this as well.


Independent: My oldest child can write and "think" on her own for the most part. But I still wanted to teach her how to write a thank you note. I believe every thank you note should have a bit of 'personal' so this is the formula I taught her:

1. Greeting
2. Thank them for the gift specifically. "Thanks for the doll" vs "Thanks for the gift"
3. Then write a follow up statement. "I played with her today" or "She is pretty" or "I have fun getting her dressed." Just say something that shows you appreciate it and have thought about it. ( I hate that note in the mail from the bride that just says "Thanks for the gift" in an extra large handwriting to take up space.)
4. Thoughtful Closing


My husband and I even participated in the activity. This shows our kids that we abide my the same expectations.


Follow-Up: We hand delivered the notes that we could. And we mailed the rest. There were warm fuzzies all the way around.

#4: Blessing the Food

Manner #4: Blessing the Food, Saying Grace, or Whatever You Want to Call It

Background: We start each meal with a blessing on the food. And if I forget, one of my children surely reminds me. It is an opportunity to express gratitude for the meal before us. Now you may or may not say grace regularly, if at all, but chances are you will visit someone for dinner that does - especially on Thanksgiving. Our kids will be more confident and comfortable if they know what to do in different situations.

Attention Getter: My husband said the prayer for dinner. (He was prepped before hand). In a serious voice he said, "Rub a dub dub- thanks for the grub. Amen." I wish I had a picture of my kid's eyes as soon as the prayer was finished. It was a mix of confusion, shock, bewilderment and humor. It was completely silent for a moment as they tried to figure out what the honk was happening. A few giggles emerged and then when we (the parents) lost it, they knew it was a joke. I told them tonight we would talk about saying prayer over meals.

Manner: We discussed the tradition of grace at meal time and how every home does it differently. The first manner to remember is- don't eat until after the prayer is said (I love this lesson in delaying gratification). Second, if you are the one saying grace make sure everyone is ready before you begin. I had to cover this because sometimes my hungriest kid (take a guess) will just start praying over the top of everyone while they are still gathering so he (you guessed it) can eat. Lastly, participate in prayer. In our home it is standard to fold your arms, close your eyes, and bow your head. During the prayer, stay quiet and say "Amen" at the end. Now some families stand; some sit. Some hold hands, some fold their arms. Some repeat a standard prayer; some just talk to God. Whatever the custom, just be respectful and quiet and follow the hosts lead. This doesn't mean you agree or are compromising your own beliefs.

Why?: It is merely showing respect for others beliefs. I remember being at a friend's Bat Mitzvah where we read, chanted and sang Jewish scripture. I am not Jewish and I certainly wasn't comfortable. (I don't sing well, let alone in another language). But I did it anyway as a gesture of acceptance, tolerance, and respect. We give people the same respect we would like them to give us if they were in our home.

(Remember, after the prayer is said, you put your napkin on your lap. If grace is not given than watch the host's lead for when she puts the napkin in her lap.)

Practice: Since we say prayers for every meal, we get to practice this manner a lot. But we still have to work on closing eyes and waiting for the those at the table to be ready. We came up with this poem to cue us: "Fold your arms, bow your head, close your eyes, while the prayer is said." This prompts everyone to get ready. We started over more than once and inappropriate requests like "Bless my buttox" still made it in to some prayers. (But hey, if she were closing her eyes while she said it, we are making progress.)

Follow-Up: After dinner we did a gratitude activity. This was to help us remember all the things for which we have to be grateful. It also gave us lots of ideas for things to mention in our prayers since my son was resorting to "Thank thee for everything." This was his way of covering it all but getting to eat faster. (I gotta commend his efficiency- a boy after my own heart). We drew letter cards and had to think of something that we were grateful for that started with that letter. It was a perfect way to start off the week of Thanks--giving.This leaf garland from Pebbles in My Pocket is what I wanted to do for my gratitude extension activity but I ran out of time (imagine that). Maybe you will have the time to try it.

#1: Setting the Table

Manner #1: Setting the Table Properly

Attention Getter: I set the table in disarray. I had two cups at one place, no plate at another; some people were missing forks and others had way too many knives. You get the idea. When we sat down to eat, everyone looked dazed and confused. It was craziness for a moment as we tried to locate all the parts to our place setting. Then my son, as if on cue from above, said, "This is so confusing." Thanks Crew for the perfect segue (had to look up that spelling) into why we set the table a certain way.

Why?: This is where you ask the kids and they might teach you. We decided that being consistent eliminates confusion, makes everyone more comfortable, dinner flows better, and there is a smaller chance of someone else using your fork, cup, napkin, etc. It is also really helpful when you are eating outside of your home.

Next I took them through step by step how to set a table properly. They each arranged their own setting as I explained how and why we do it.

Manner: The spoon, knife, and glass go on the right and fork goes on the left. One way to remember this is that there are 5 letters in spoon and knife and glass and there are 5 letters in right. (You have no idea the joy that I felt when I realized this. It was like I just served Waffles on Wednesday.) Likewise, there are 4 letters in fork and 4 letters in left. Forks also have 4 prongs. I told my kids that the napkin goes on the left because the fork is lonely all over there by himself. I read somewhere that the napkin goes next to the fork not under it so that you can easily put it on your lap. The blade of the knife is turned toward the plate for safety reasons. I also learned in my readings that you only set what utensils you will be using for the meal so eaters don't get confused. In simple terms, if you don't need a spoon don't put it on the table.

Practice: I had my kids take turns setting the table the rest of the week. All my kids still needed help and reteaching. That is when I came up with the napkin being lonely thing.

Follow-Up: Now every good creator knows that you have to first know the rules before you can break them. So towards the end of the week I quizzed my kids on what goes where. And they passed! They knew the rules so now it was time to break them. I let the kids set the table however they wanted with whatever they wanted for a silly spaghetti lunch. We had spatulas and teaspoons for utensils, cookie sheets and pans for plates, pitchers and sippy cups for glasses, and pants (my favorite) and dish towels for napkins. We giggled and slopped our way through the spaghetti. It was a fun way to celebrate the end of our first manner week.

My Philosophy

So why a family meal and why manners? Aren't family meals impossible and manners out dated? First of all, I think the family meal is of paramount importance to the raising of good kids. It might be difficult to schedule, but it is in our best interest to make family meals a priority. Research indicates "children who participate in family mealtimes are less likely to be obese, commit suicide, drink, smoke, do drugs, or engage in pre-marital sexual relationships. They are more likely to get a balanced diet, they do better academically, they are less stressed, they report having a better self esteem, and they are more likely to confide in a parent when they have a problem." (Lynnae W. Allred). No dance class or soccer practice can boast those same results.

Now why teach manners? I think that it is important for children to learn restraint, self-control and respect. Manners help do this. When you wait for everyone to be served before you begin eating, you are learning to delay gratification. You are showing respect for others at the table. In a world of cell phones, instant messaging, on demand movies, fast food, etc. we rarely have to wait anymore for anything. This "give it to me now" world has made us impatient and selfish and I see it in the children too. A comedian said it best as he mocked the impatience people display when they can't get their cell phone connection right away: He jokes, "it's going to space...give it a second". Watch it here. Love, love, love that clip.

Any way, I'll get off my soap box now. But you will find that, for better or worse, I put a lot of reason and thought behind my parenting. Sometimes I'll let you in on it.

My Inspiration

I was inspired by three sources to learn more about manners at mealtime. The first was my daughter who wanted to complete a goal from her Faith in God book to learn more about manners. So she went to the public library and checked out different manner books. It didn't take long before she pointed out that my elbows were on the table. Now this didn't surprise me because she is mature and dignified and has a natural grace. In fact, tonight she made an L with her thumb and index finger and then put it under her chin to check her posture. Although she is only 8, she chooses cream of mushroom soup over chicken nuggets and actually asks for seconds on salmon and vegetables. I love her.

My son was the second inspiration. He eats with his fingers, burps at the table, uses his shirt as a napkin (if he is wearing one), slurps his drink, and has even licked the drip on the bottle of the ranch dressing. Most of his food ends up on his face, the floor, or his shirt. Mealtime is about getting in as much meat as he can as fast as he can. He sits half-way on the chair so he can jump off the minute he is done to move on to his next mess. He is the antithesis of manners. I love him too.

The third inspiration was my childhood dinner table. My dad presided at the head and the table ran like a well oiled machine. We knew that the pepper had to stay with the salt, you addressed a person by name when you wanted them to pass a food item, and you didn't start eating until everything made it around. It wasn't so much that my dad was big on manners but more that there were 10 of us and he wanted a hot meal so he had to have some kind of system in place. I didn't know it then, but the order at the table facilitated dinner conversation and fond memories.  Learning manners actually made the dinner more about each other and less about manners.

All of these inspirations combined to give birth to the idea of Monday Night Manners. Since we didn't want to bite off more than we could chew, we decided to only learn one new manner a week. We usually have a Monday night family meal, so we agreed that this would be the best time to introduce, learn, and discuss a mealtime manner. Then we would have the rest of the week to practice our new found skill. After the week is up, we will be expected to use that manner regularly. Our manner study will culminate with a dinner at a fancy restaurant where we can put our skills to the test. Wish us luck!