#10 When to Start Eating

Manner #10:  Can I Eat Already?

We have discussed 9 table manners so far and we have yet to have a bite of dinner.  Well, tonight is the night. It's time to finally eat!

Attention Getter: I told my kids this scarring story from my childhood:  My family was new in town and my sister and I were invited to our neighbor's birthday party.  We were just little tikes- barely in school. (Now I was already a little on edge because we didn't know anyone and our neighbor seemed rich and we seemed poor in my young mind.  Plus I was mortified by the tacky wrapping job on the plastic purse we had gotten Lisa for her present.)   The next memory I have is being served a piece of cake and then--taking a bite.

Now this is where the trauma set in: Suddenly an older girl at the party scolded us,  "UMMmm-BRRrrr! (I didn't know what that meant then and I still don't know now, but it wasn't good.) You ate before the birthday girl!"  There were stares and crusty looks from the other guests and an awkward silence.  My sister and I had no idea what the big deal was; we just wanted to disappear.  We both remember it as the most embarrassing and humiliating moment of our lives up to that point.  This is where I told the kids that tonight we were going to talk about when it is okay to take a bite.


Why:  I didn't want my kids to be embarrassed like I was.  Knowing what to do and when to eat can bring confidence in potentially awkward situations: birthday parties, dates, business dinners, in-laws, friend's house, etc.  Also, waiting to eat until the appropriate time delays gratification (there it is again!) and signals that people are more important than food and that dinner is more about relationships and community than eating. As we discussed this, my son blurted out, "I know! We are learning patience!"

Manner: This manner has some different levels and it can also vary according to the situation.  Since there are some conflicting ideas out there, use your best judgment and take baby steps if you need to.

Family Dinner:  At family dinner the bare minimum is to wait until after the prayer is said to begin eating.  (This would be considered a victory at my house.) The next level is to at least wait until all the food has been passed all the way around the table before you start eating.  This insures that no one gets forgotten and you don't become the food dam.  And if you want to take it to the highest level, it is custom to wait for mom to take the first bite (again this means that mom needs to be seated at the table.)

Guest's Home: If you are the guest in someone else's home, watch for the hostess to take the first bite, then you are good to go. (This would have been nice to know 30+ years ago!)
 
Restaurant:  At a sit down restaurant wait until everyone is served before you begin eating.  The exception is if someone's plate is significantly delayed, and the waiter will let you know if that has happened.  I have heard people say if it is hot you can go ahead and eat, but I did not read that exception anywhere.  Since we aren't sure, the safest and most polite thing to do is wait for everyone to be served.  If it is a large group, you just need to wait for those people around you to be served before you eat.  Note this rule applies to every course served.

If you are the one holding up the show because you haven't been served your plate, invite others to go ahead and eat without you. This puts everyone at ease and all will be grateful.

Practice: To practice this manner at home, we decided that whoever set the table got to pick who was going to be the hostess (they always picked themselves) for the night and they also picked who was the "guest".  They wrote "hostess" on a post-it note to designate their role and we had to follow their lead.  They loved getting to eat first and have the control.  This gave the family practice serving the guest first and waiting for the hostess to eat.  I considered this activity a success (despite the fact that tears were shed three different times over the week) because I heard my son whisper to his cousins last night at our extended family dinner, "Hey guys, we can't eat until grandma eats."

Hostess Labels

Mom Tip:  Eat early enough when the kids aren't starving so they can control their hunger and their manners.  Or if dinner must be delayed, put out some healthy pre-dinner munchies like veggies and dip or fresh fruit.  If they "have to eat" at least they are filling up on something healthy and they won't be ravished by the time they get to the table.  This will give them the strength to wait to eat.

#9: Serving Yourself Food

Manner #9: The Do's and Don'ts of Serving Yourself Food Around the Dinner Table

Attention Getter:  We played a mini version of Taboo to guess the manner topic of  the night.  The word I wanted them to say was SERVE/SERVING (as it relates to food) and these were the words that couldn't be said when giving the clues: place, wait, give, take, put, prepare, offer.

After some pathetic clues (his words) given by my husband (I had to step in), my daughter guessed the word. I told them we would be focusing on serving manners.

We then discussed the following points about serving yourself food:

Manner: 1. Remember to show honor to your guest or the mom, and have her serve herself first.
2. Use the utensil provided on the serving dish and make sure it gets back on the dish before passing it on.  Don't use your fingers unless it is a finger food (another post; another day)
3. If there is a fork and a spoon on the serving dish, use both to help you get the food.
4. Be aware of portion sizes and the others at the table.  Take a fair amount so that there will be enough food for the last person that is served. (I am still haunted by the memory of my son eating so many hot dogs at our friends' BBQ that they ran out, and some guests didn't get any. I was 8 months pregnant in a swimsuit--- my son's hot dog count was the least of my concerns at the time.)
5. Take the piece that is closest to you.  (Bummer! No more scanning for the crispiest piece of meat or the fluffiest pancake.)
6. You take what you touch.
7. Don't serve yourself seconds until everyone has had firsts or the hostess has cued you to have more.

Practice: I had rolls for dinner to help me teach the serving manners #4, 5, 6 and 7.  I only put 6 rolls in the basket to help teach point #4.  I threw out some math story problems during dinner that were at varying levels of difficulty.  Example: "There are 12 rolls in the basket and 6 people at the table.  How many rolls will each person get?" "There are 3 pieces of chicken and 6 people.  How much chicken should you take?" "There are 2 pizzas with 8 slices each.  How much do we each get?"  This just got them thinking about amounts and others (and a great way to apply math skills.)

Follow-Up: (Confession:  I set my husband up on this one.  Luckily, he is a good sport and the blog's biggest fan.)  Later in the week, I made coconut cake for dessert because I knew my husband would fall into my trap perfectly and he did.  He was headed off to a meeting so I told him to grab a piece before he left.  He cut his piece right out of the middle.  (He swears it's the best.)  My daughter scolded him (she's 8 going on 35) and told him he can't do that and he just made the cake look ugly (the why).   He defended himself with some "dad's can do whatever they want" jibberish.  We reviewed all the serving manners including the manner to take the piece closest to you- not from the middle- but dad still isn't buying it.  If you want to try the yummy cake, I included the recipe below:

Before

After

Grandma K's Coconut Cake

1 white cake mix
1 small package coconut pudding
3 eggs
1/4 c. oil
1 1/4 c. water

Mix ingredients and then bake cake according to box directions.  After 5 minutes poke holes in cake.  (I use a wooden spoon handle and I poke ALOT of holes.) Spoon in 15 oz. can of cream of coconut. Cool. Refrigerate.  Top with 8 oz. Coolwhip.  Sprinkle with coconut (we leave this off.)  Enjoy (the middle piece)!

We Are All Different

Helping Children to Celebrate & Appreciate Differences in Honor of Martin Luther King Day

Martin Luther King Day always takes me back to my student teaching experience.  I taught 2nd graders and I had them gathered around me on the rug.  We were discussing how people are different.  I said something like, "Some people have white skin, some people have dark skin.... Then a second grader shouted out: "Yeah, and some people have red dots all over their face; just like you!"  She was right!  I was in the middle of the most stressful time of my life too date and the doctor diagnosed it as "stress induced adult acne".  (But how do I explain the large, painful zit on my chin right now as I type this?)

Kids often blurt out inappropriate, albeit innocent, words. Now this may never change, but I think we can still teach them some manners when it comes to dealing with people that are different than us.  We want to teach them tolerance, acceptance and appreciation for differences in the world.

Attention Getter:  I emptied a bag of jelly beans into a bowl.  Then I walked around the family and had them choose a jellybean.  Lots of thought went into picking that one jelly bean so I asked them why they picked it.  My youngest daughter took one and then changed her mind for the jellybean she liked better.  I was happy to let them take as long as they wanted, for it played into my object lesson all the more.

Lesson:  I talked about what I noticed as I passed out jellybeans. Then I read them this poem (author unknown):

Wouldn't it be nice
If we looked at people
and jelly beans and liked them all?
And didn't just pick out the pretty or smart people
or red or black jelly beans
But loved them all for what they are! 

Discussion: We talked about the quote and what it means and how it relates to Martin Luther King Day.  Here are some questions to ask: How are people different than us?  Why are there so many different people? What do you do when you notice someone that is different than you?  

Manner:  When you see someone different than you don't point, don't yell, and don't stare. These all were inspired by son. We were standing in the order line at In-and-Out when he turned around, pointed his finger up at the guy's face behind us, and yelled,  "Look mom! That guy's from China!" (or he has earrings or she has a mohawk, etc. Insert whatever difference you want. I've been through this a few times.)  We discussed how it is okay to 'notice' differences, but just don't judge them or point them out at that moment.  We don't want to make others feel uncomfortable or singled out.

Quote: I read this quote from one of our religious leaders (Gordon B. Hinckley): "We must never forget that we live in a world of great diversity. The people of the earth are all our Father’s children and are of many and varied religious persuasions. We must cultivate tolerance and appreciation and respect one another." 

Activity:  We discussed things that make us different than others.  (I like Mondays. My husband is tall.  My daughter has a unique name, etc.) You could have older kids write a list down of 5-10 things that make them different. We discussed everyone's differences and how it makes the family better.  And how people's differences in the world make the world better.

Book:  We read the book "People" by Peter Spier.  My kids loved the pictures and I would recommend buying it.  There is so much to see in it that kids could browse it over and over again.

We ate the jelly beans as I read the story (I picked the red ones.)

#8: Passing Food

Manner #8:  More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About Passing Food Around the Table

Attention Getter: I wrote arrows on post-it notes.  I put them on the kids' plates pointing to the right.   When the kids came to dinner they began whispering to each other, "Why do we have arrows on our plates?"  "Dad! What is going on?" "Maybe mom wants us to twist things around?" "Maybe mom..." (The buzz around the table before dinner was music to a teaching mom's ears.)

When we sat down, I asked the kids which way the arrows were pointing (now that is a difficult question for kids' my age, but they got it right.) Then I stated the arrows were there to show them which way to pass the food-to the right- and tonight we were going to learn about passing food. (Remember it is important to state the objective. It's Teaching 101).

Manner: 1. Food is passed to the right initially- counterclockwise.  However, the person starting the food may ask the person to her left if he would like some before passing it on to the right.
2. Hold the serving dish for the person next to you while she serves herself (this is a lesson in giving and receiving- another blog; another day) or set it down on the table if necessary.
3. Keep the food moving.  Do not be that person at the table that is a food dam.  Everything stops at your plate. (We know who you are; wish you knew.)
4. If you need a food item to be passed to you (after the initial pass), find who is closest to it, address the person BY NAME and then ask him to pass the food item. You may pass it the shortest route.  You don't have to go right all the way around the table.
5. Always pass the pepper and salt together.  Even if the person only asked for the salt- send the pepper too. After all, they are married and they stick together. (Yes, we really did dress up our salt-n-pepper shakers. And later I found my 4 year old singing "Hear Comes the Bride" as she moved the salt closer to the pepper.)

Mr. and Mrs.

Why:  The why on #1 is important to explain to those stubborn leftys.  When you pass to the right, it is easier for the person receiving the food  to serve himself because his dominant hand (if right handed) is unobstructed or at a better angle to serve himself.  If you pass to the left, you may constrict the right hand or the serving dish would be too close and it would be difficult to serve.  Try it and see what I am talking about.

#4: When you say a person's name to pass; it gets her attention.  Otherwise you are just calling a request out to a table full of preoccupied people and no one is listening nor are they aware of what food is in front of them.

These "rules" just help the table run smoother (the bigger the family, the more these manners matter.) And in the end everyone enjoys dinner more, and there is less time spent trying to get food on your plate and more time conversing with family.

Practice:  I let the kids pretend before dinner while I was making last minute preparations.  I gave them a serving bowl and spoon (without any food in it) and they practiced passing and serving themselves food.  This was safer than real, hot, heavy dishes for my kids (right now mom and dad still do a lot of the passing and serving.) 

Thoughts:  I have learned much about myself and my family from this manner.  I've learned that we are a stubborn and prideful folk. We like to teach, but we don't always like to be taught.

See, we have passed to the left all of our lives and up until last week we even passed to the left at our monthly Sunday dinner.  When I told my family that I learned through my readings that it is proper etiquette to pass to the right, I was surprised by their reaction.  "Wow! Thanks, Tiffany.  We just learned something new" would have been a nice response.  Instead it was, "Who says?" "Are you going to make us do that now?" I think I even got called a few names.  (To be honest, I don't really care which way you pass it as long as we are all going the same direction, but because I am stubborn too, I didn't let it go. I explained WHY you pass to the right, then called them names back.)  My dad, being a reasonable man, learned from the explanation and opted to go to the right--at that dinner.  We will see how next month's Sunday dinner goes. 

And since likes attract, I married a stubborn man too.  His family passed to the left growing up as well.  The other night, in the most delicate way he could muster, he said something like, "Now Tiffany, I am not saying you are wrong,  but have you checked multiple sources on this pass to the right thing?  Everyone I know passes to the left- how can we all be wrong? (My kids have no prayer of being humble).

So for all you left passers out there, I did check multiple sources.  (Emily Post even agrees with me.)

#7: Who's Served First?

Manner #7: Who Gets Served First at the Dinner Table?

Attention Getter: We recently had a birthday dinner for my brother at my mom's house.  There were 10+ people around the table.  Before we started, I asked the question, "Who gets served first?" Responses ranged from the head of the table, to the hostess, to the oldest, to the youngest---all were wrong.

Manner:  The correct answer is that the guest of honor gets served first (which would be my brother in this case because it was his birthday dinner.  And if there were any doubt it was his birthday, the not-so-mini whole roast on his plate, made by my mother, just for him, gave it away.)  The general rule is that women are served before men, older people before younger people, and guests before family members.  And when I say serve, I mean they are encouraged to serve themselves.  If there is no guest, and it is just your family,  it is respectful to have mom served first. (This would infer that she is actually seated at the table, not running around adding last minute touches to the meal.)  Although this may seem laughable, it is the most respectful thing to do because she is likely the oldest woman at the table.  Once the "guest"/mom serves herself, she passes the food to her right (next week's post/my family of origin is struggling to accept this) and the rest of the food starts going around the table.

Why?  As with all manners, it is a matter of respect and courtesy to let the guests go first and if there are no guests,  I think it is a great way to show appreciation to mom.  This sends the message to our kids that we respect ourselves and that no matter how hungry they are, they can learn to wait (another chance to practice delayed gratification!) for mom to be seated.  My mom was always the last one to sit down and the last one to eat.  This did her no favors.  Yes, she was selfless, but I just saw her as a robot or a superwoman, I didn't see her as a person who might be hungry too.

Practice:  I made up situation cards where I read a different dinner scenario and the kids had to figure out who would be served first. I threw in irrelevant information (like a good ol' math story problem) just to make them think.  My kids ended up wanting to make situation cards themselves to try to stump the family.

some of the situation cards

Follow-Up: Invite different families, friends,and/or relatives to dinner. Let your kids put their knew knowledge into practice.