#4: Blessing the Food

Manner #4: Blessing the Food, Saying Grace, or Whatever You Want to Call It

Background: We start each meal with a blessing on the food. And if I forget, one of my children surely reminds me. It is an opportunity to express gratitude for the meal before us. Now you may or may not say grace regularly, if at all, but chances are you will visit someone for dinner that does - especially on Thanksgiving. Our kids will be more confident and comfortable if they know what to do in different situations.

Attention Getter: My husband said the prayer for dinner. (He was prepped before hand). In a serious voice he said, "Rub a dub dub- thanks for the grub. Amen." I wish I had a picture of my kid's eyes as soon as the prayer was finished. It was a mix of confusion, shock, bewilderment and humor. It was completely silent for a moment as they tried to figure out what the honk was happening. A few giggles emerged and then when we (the parents) lost it, they knew it was a joke. I told them tonight we would talk about saying prayer over meals.

Manner: We discussed the tradition of grace at meal time and how every home does it differently. The first manner to remember is- don't eat until after the prayer is said (I love this lesson in delaying gratification). Second, if you are the one saying grace make sure everyone is ready before you begin. I had to cover this because sometimes my hungriest kid (take a guess) will just start praying over the top of everyone while they are still gathering so he (you guessed it) can eat. Lastly, participate in prayer. In our home it is standard to fold your arms, close your eyes, and bow your head. During the prayer, stay quiet and say "Amen" at the end. Now some families stand; some sit. Some hold hands, some fold their arms. Some repeat a standard prayer; some just talk to God. Whatever the custom, just be respectful and quiet and follow the hosts lead. This doesn't mean you agree or are compromising your own beliefs.

Why?: It is merely showing respect for others beliefs. I remember being at a friend's Bat Mitzvah where we read, chanted and sang Jewish scripture. I am not Jewish and I certainly wasn't comfortable. (I don't sing well, let alone in another language). But I did it anyway as a gesture of acceptance, tolerance, and respect. We give people the same respect we would like them to give us if they were in our home.

(Remember, after the prayer is said, you put your napkin on your lap. If grace is not given than watch the host's lead for when she puts the napkin in her lap.)

Practice: Since we say prayers for every meal, we get to practice this manner a lot. But we still have to work on closing eyes and waiting for the those at the table to be ready. We came up with this poem to cue us: "Fold your arms, bow your head, close your eyes, while the prayer is said." This prompts everyone to get ready. We started over more than once and inappropriate requests like "Bless my buttox" still made it in to some prayers. (But hey, if she were closing her eyes while she said it, we are making progress.)

Follow-Up: After dinner we did a gratitude activity. This was to help us remember all the things for which we have to be grateful. It also gave us lots of ideas for things to mention in our prayers since my son was resorting to "Thank thee for everything." This was his way of covering it all but getting to eat faster. (I gotta commend his efficiency- a boy after my own heart). We drew letter cards and had to think of something that we were grateful for that started with that letter. It was a perfect way to start off the week of Thanks--giving.This leaf garland from Pebbles in My Pocket is what I wanted to do for my gratitude extension activity but I ran out of time (imagine that). Maybe you will have the time to try it.

#3: Napkin Etiquette

Manner #3: What To Do With Your Napkin

Attention Getter: I set the table using cloth napkins. I put some napkins to the left of the plates and other napkins on top of the plates. I also placed a napkin in a goblet in front of dad's plate. The kids noticed the fancier touch right away. I told them we would be learning about how to use our napkins.


Manner: Here is what we learned about napkin etiquette: First locate your napkin. It will be in one of three places: on your plate, to the left of your plate, or in a goblet. The napkin goes on your lap right after prayer/grace is said. If grace is not said, follow the lead of the hostess. Your napkin stays on your lap all dinner. You wipe your hands with the napkin on your lap. If you need to wipe your face it is okay to bring the napkin to your face. It is also okay to wet the corner of your napkin to wipe off a spill on your clothes (didn't know that). You should usually wipe your face and hands before you drink so you don't leave a mess on the glass. Now in the middle of dinner, the doorbell rang and all the kids jumped up to get it (it was grandma bringing us caramel apples). Our impromptu guest was great because I could teach that you put your napkin on your chair when you get up from the table in the middle of dinner if you are coming back. At the end of the meal the napkin goes on the table to the right of your plate. And, it probably goes with out saying (unless you're George Costanza), don't blow your nose in your cloth napkin.

Why?: Throughout dinner we talked about why the rules are the way they are. And it goes back to just making everyone comfortable and keeping the dirt and germs off the table.

Practice: My girls loved to daintily wipe the corners of their mouths with the corners of their napkins. At the end of dinner, I asked everyone to tell me one new thing they learned about napkin etiquette because even I learned something new. When the kids set the table the rest of the week they got to choose to put the napkin on the plate or to the left of the plate. During each meal we talked about napkin issues that came up.

Follow-Up: We checked out a napkin folding book from the library and we practiced different folds. It was called "Napkin Folds: Beautifully Styled Napkins for Every Occasion" by Jones and Brehaut. This was more difficult than I expected (probably because I am just not good at following specific directions) and I was not about to iron and starch the napkins (I do have limits). This napkin folding website seemed easier to follow. My younger kids lost interest, but my 8 year old ate it up. Her favorite was "Flickering Flames". She enjoyed it so much she set the table for Sunday dinner with different napkin folds. I am looking forward to trying some for the Thanksgiving table.

#2: Don't Bring It

Manner #2: What NOT to Bring to the Table

Attention Getter: As I set the table for dinner, I added some props to the table. I put a laptop by my husband's plate, a cell phone on mine, a toy on the high chair tray, a hat on my daughter and again my son unintentionally contributed and came to the table without a shirt. I wish I had turned the TV on in the background and been chewing gum for a little extra challenge. (This is where you can personalize the props to your family's "issues". I'm guessing most of you don't have to worry about your child not wearing a shirt.) When everyone was seated, we played the game "What is wrong with this picture?" I told them there were 5 things wrong at the table and they had to find out what they were. They immediately looked at their place settings to see if a fork or knife was out of place. (This made me happy and was an unplanned review). To my surprise, my 3 year old was the first to see something "wrong"- she spied the computer. Then they soon noticed the phone, toy, hat and no shirt.

Why?: After all extras were identified, we discussed why they weren't welcome at the table. My oldest daughter went into a lecture about eye contact and distractions and paying attention to family. She was on to something. Dinner time is a family experience not an individual one. We gather to build relationships with each other and we all want to be heard and listened to and respected. It is about collective conversation and family time. Anything that takes away from this is not welcome at the table. My youngest daughter was concerned that the computer and phone would get dirty if they were at the table. The shirtless thing had not been addressed yet so I asked my son, "Crew, why do we want you to wear a shirt at the table?" His response: "Because you don't want to see my boobies and belly button?" (Note to self: teach my son to never use the term "boobies" again especially if he is referencing himself) We giggled as we talked about what it would be like if we all came to the table without shirts. The bottom line is we all want to be comfortable at dinner.

Practice: We put our extras away, Crew ran and put a shirt on, and we enjoyed our dinner. The rest of the week we took turns trying to test each other. Before dinner each night I pulled someone aside and told them to bring something inappropriate to the dinner table to test the other kids. They would casually read a book or play on the iPod until someone caught them. The kids enjoyed taking turns trying to trick their siblings.

Follow-Up: Towards the end of the week, we brainstormed a list of things that were not appropriate to bring to the table. Our list had expanded since our first night discussion. Here is what we came up with:

What NOT to bring to the table: a book, computer, video game, toy, cell phone, remote control, iPod, newspaper, magazine, mail, bad attitude, dirty hands, chewing gum, retainers and homework. And don't forget to turn the TV off!

#1: Setting the Table

Manner #1: Setting the Table Properly

Attention Getter: I set the table in disarray. I had two cups at one place, no plate at another; some people were missing forks and others had way too many knives. You get the idea. When we sat down to eat, everyone looked dazed and confused. It was craziness for a moment as we tried to locate all the parts to our place setting. Then my son, as if on cue from above, said, "This is so confusing." Thanks Crew for the perfect segue (had to look up that spelling) into why we set the table a certain way.

Why?: This is where you ask the kids and they might teach you. We decided that being consistent eliminates confusion, makes everyone more comfortable, dinner flows better, and there is a smaller chance of someone else using your fork, cup, napkin, etc. It is also really helpful when you are eating outside of your home.

Next I took them through step by step how to set a table properly. They each arranged their own setting as I explained how and why we do it.

Manner: The spoon, knife, and glass go on the right and fork goes on the left. One way to remember this is that there are 5 letters in spoon and knife and glass and there are 5 letters in right. (You have no idea the joy that I felt when I realized this. It was like I just served Waffles on Wednesday.) Likewise, there are 4 letters in fork and 4 letters in left. Forks also have 4 prongs. I told my kids that the napkin goes on the left because the fork is lonely all over there by himself. I read somewhere that the napkin goes next to the fork not under it so that you can easily put it on your lap. The blade of the knife is turned toward the plate for safety reasons. I also learned in my readings that you only set what utensils you will be using for the meal so eaters don't get confused. In simple terms, if you don't need a spoon don't put it on the table.

Practice: I had my kids take turns setting the table the rest of the week. All my kids still needed help and reteaching. That is when I came up with the napkin being lonely thing.

Follow-Up: Now every good creator knows that you have to first know the rules before you can break them. So towards the end of the week I quizzed my kids on what goes where. And they passed! They knew the rules so now it was time to break them. I let the kids set the table however they wanted with whatever they wanted for a silly spaghetti lunch. We had spatulas and teaspoons for utensils, cookie sheets and pans for plates, pitchers and sippy cups for glasses, and pants (my favorite) and dish towels for napkins. We giggled and slopped our way through the spaghetti. It was a fun way to celebrate the end of our first manner week.